


Source of Chaos

by kethni



Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: Depressing, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 11:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13635456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni
Summary: It was quiet in the car. Selina wanted to make small talk, discuss the day, or plan for tomorrow. Anything but watch the lost-little-boy confusion and pain on his face. There was no point. He was in his own world and she wasn’t sure if he was even aware of her.It was the most human she’d ever seen him.





	Source of Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to Intronerd for the suggestion "Source of Chaos In which Kent finds that resistance is futile."  
> ***
> 
> For Selina and Tangelo. Never forgotten.

Selina had trained as a lawyer. She was red-hot on the intricacies of law and the sneaking, niggling negotiations that turned archaic language into precedents and judgements. What she didn’t “do” was math. Numbers were not her bag. They writhed and struggled when she looked at them. She left that side of things to other people.

And yet.

Selina chewed her pen. She added up the total again on the calculator. She wrote it down. She underlined it. She circled it. She compared it to the result on the report. Fuck.

Selina glanced out of the door. She couldn’t hear any movement. Working late at the West Wing was habitual, but it sounded like she was the only one still there. Okay. Fine. She’d leave it on his desk with a note. That was better. But as she strode towards his office, she saw the sickly, dim light. Well, good. He should stay late if he was making mistakes. He needed to fix them. Selina pushed the door open. Kent had his head in his hands.

‘Oh,’ she said. ‘You okay?’

He dropped his hands. His eyes were red-rimmed. His skin was pale and splotchy. There was a little shimmer of moisture under his eyes.

‘Madam President,’ he said standing up. His voice sounded thick, clogged.

Selina looked away. ‘You, um... these numbers look screwy.’

He took the page. Selina looked back at him. He was trembling.

‘I see,’ he said. ‘Apologies. I’ll look into it tomorrow.’

‘What’s up with you?’ Selina asked.

He shook his head. ‘It’s nothing.’

‘It’s interfering with your work. That’s a pretty fucking big something.’

He sighed. ‘You’ll think it’s ridiculous,’ he said quietly.

She perched on the edge of his desk. ‘Spill.’

He stared at his hands as he fidgeted. ‘My cat. She’s at the vet. They thought they could do something but... I’m about to leave to...’

Selina waited but nothing else was forthcoming. ‘Cat guy, huh?’ she asked. ‘I was always more into horses. A couple years ago my pony, Peanut, she got... doesn’t matter what it was. It was awful.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Kent said quietly.

Selina sighed. ‘It’s not ridiculous,’ she said. She bit her lower lip. ‘You’re going tonight to…?’

He nodded. ‘I can’t procrastinate. It isn’t fair to her.’ His voice was low and soft.

‘You want company?’ Selina asked. ‘You shouldn’t do stuff like this alone.’

‘I...’ His Adam’s apple bobbed. He licked his lips. ‘I would but...’

‘You definitely shouldn’t drive,’ Selina said, standing up. ‘Come on, I’ll call a car.’

She could see he had questions and concerns, but she’d been where he was. She knew he was too exhausted, in every way, to address any of them.

***

It was quiet in the car. Selina wanted to make small talk, discuss the day, or plan for tomorrow. Anything but watch the lost-little-boy confusion and pain on his face. There was no point. He was in his own world and she wasn’t sure if he was even aware of her.

It was the most human she’d ever seen him.

When they arrived at the vet, she went in with him. She had to get the door. He was so out of it that he couldn’t work it out. Inside, she sat with him until a shockingly young woman came out. She was obviously used to the mix of bewilderment, pain, and distress, and spoke to him with gentle firmness.

‘I’m sorry,’ Kent said to her. ‘I’d like to apologise in advance if I’m sharp. I’m a little stressed.’

Selina almost cursed.

‘Oh, no,’ the vet said. ‘Please don’t feel you have to apologise. She’s a part of your family.’ She gave a sympathetic smile. ‘Shall we go through?’

‘I’ll wait here,’ Selina said.

Kent looked like he’d forgotten she was there. Maybe he had.

Selina sat down, and tried not to think about Peanut shivering and whining softly. Gary had been with her then. Catherine too, of course, but she’d been worse than useless, wailing and crying on like she’d seen Peanut more than twice in her life. But Gary had been there. He’d put his arm around Selina’s shoulder in his weird way, but he was there. She hadn’t been alone.

Selina tried not to think about Peanut and instead ended up thinking about her father. When he died Selina’s mom had been there, and his secretary, the doctor, staff members… None of them had the time, the emotional capacity, to even notice Selina. In a roomful of people, she had been alone.

She heard a howl from somewhere beyond the examination rooms. Her secret service agent bowed his head.

Selina nodded. Nobody should be alone when this happened.

It was a few minutes after when Kent came out. He looked small and drawn.

Selina walked over as he was paying at the counter.

‘She’ll be ready in a week,’ the nurse said.

‘Thank you,’ he said.

‘Let’s get you home,’ Selina said.

He didn’t answer. just walked along with her as if he was in a trance. In shock.

They got in the car, and he stared at his phone.

‘You know the worst thing someone said to me when my horse died?’ Selina asked. ‘He had a good run. Like that was a consolation. Wasn’t even fucking true. Peanut was only four. Horses can live twenty, twenty-five years. How old was... what’s your cat called?’

‘Fibonacci,’ he said. ‘She’s fourteen it’s... it’s old. Not _very_ old. About seventy for human.’

‘And you thought you’d have more time, right?’

‘I hoped,’ he said quietly. ‘She’d always been very healthy.’

Selina nodded at his cell. ‘You got pictures? Let me see.’

He looked at her. ‘You want to see a photograph?’

‘Yeah, this is your one shot to show me. Get ‘em out.’

He bit his lower lip, but he hauled back whatever outburst was boiling up. Kent opened an app on his cell and handed it over. ‘There.’

‘She’s a cutie,’ Selina said. ‘I like her little eye patch. She looks like a pirate.’

That made him smile, just for a moment.

Selina handed back the cell. ‘You got others?’

‘Pictures?’

‘Cats,’ she said.

He nodded. ‘Just Lorenz now.’ He found another picture and showed her the cell. ‘He’s younger.’ He swallowed a lump in his throat.

‘You know the second worst thing anyone said to me?’ Selina asked.

He looked at her blankly.

‘That I was “brave” not crying,’ she said. ‘That’s some bullshit. Thanks for basically telling me that crying is cowardly. Who the fuck tells anyone that?’

‘Emotional tears release certain hormones and other chemicals,’ Kent said, looking at his hands. ‘It’s why people generally feel better afterwards.’

‘Right. Exactly.’

‘But it makes bystanders uncomfortable,’ he said. ‘Too emotional. Too exposed. We pretend that we’re not hurting but seeing someone else’s naked misery reminds us of our own.’

Selina shifted on her seat. ‘I just figured it was personal. Exposed is a good word for it.’

Kent looked at her: his dark eyes still red, still wet, but intently focused on her. ‘I must be making you very uncomfortable.’

‘You’re not,’ she said. ‘Maybe I should be uncomfortable. This isn’t what I ever figured I’d be doing. I never figured you for a guy who had pets. When you and Sue broke up you seemed pissed, not inconsolable. I didn’t realise you had a heart to break.’

Kent snorted. ‘So, hearing me wailing didn’t embarrass you, but me asking about it does.’

‘Shit. That obvious?’

He nodded.

Selina shrugged. ‘A guy I know once told me his biggest secret was that he’d killed a dog. Not his dog, a stray. I couldn’t look at him the same way.’ She pushed back a lock of her hair. ‘You’re so smart. Kent, but I don’t “get” you. I don’t understand you. It makes me uneasy. Maybe I was always kind of waiting to hear some terrible dead dog story.’ She shrugged. ‘But this, with Fibonacci, I get that. I _understand_ that. I wish it hadn’t happened, but it is what it is.’

Kent was quiet for several seconds. ‘I don’t understand you either.’

Selina laughed. ‘Jesus.’

‘I don’t wish to make you uneasy,’ he said. ‘Particularly not after today. It’s very… trying.’

She nodded. ‘I get that. Do you want to be alone when you get back?’

‘Not really.’

‘I mean... shit, you know what I mean, right?’

Kent smiled slightly. ‘I know what you mean.’

***

As they got out of the car, Selina saw a female secret service agent squeeze Kent’s arm sympathetically. That figured. Guy shows his sensitive side and he’s rolling in pussy. A woman shows she’s sensitive or strong and response was the same: men freak the fuck out.

The cat, Lorenz, greeted them at the door. Kent ducked down to scratch him behind the ears.

‘Why’re your cats Italian?’ Selina asked.

Kent hesitated. ‘Italian?’

‘Fibonacci, Lorenz...’

Lorenz sat up at his name. Selina petted him.

‘Oh, that’s just a coincidence,’ Kent said, walking into the living room. ‘They’re scientists.’

Selina sniggered. ‘Cat scientists?’

He rolled his eyes. ‘I mean they’re named for scientists. You knew that.’

‘That’s not nearly as much fun.’ Selina sat down uninvited on the couch.

Kent hung up his jacket. ‘You want a drink?’

‘Love one,’ Selina said. ‘Wouldn’t say no to something to eat either.’

Kent clucked his tongue thoughtfully. ‘A snack or something more substantial?’

Selina shrugged. ‘It’s your party. What do you want?’

Kent scratched his eyebrow. ‘I’m thinking a nice stir-fry with seafood.’

Selina’s stomach rumbled. ‘Sounds good,’ she said.

***

She saw him flinch when he registered the two cats’ dishes on the floor. Selina squeezed his shoulder. If it bothered him then he didn’t show it.

‘Is he gonna be okay?’ she asked, nodding at Lorenz. ‘Do cats have buddies?’

Kent sighed. ‘They do, and they were. I’m not sure. He’ll be lonely. I might go to a shelter and find him a companion.’

‘Sorry,’ Selina said. ‘I didn’t mean... fuck.’

Kent took down a couple of wine glasses. ‘Ma’am, I’m not going to break because you asked me a question.’

‘You might cry,’ she said, trying to make it light. ‘Then I might cry. The secret service might cry... It’ll be a whole mess.’

‘That would be unfortunate,’ Kent said. He poured two glasses of wine. ‘I’m afraid I don’t have Sue’s nose for wine. This should be quite acceptable, however.’

‘Sue’s a wine expert?’

He raised his eyebrows. ‘It’s her hobby. Possibly her only hobby.’

‘Yeah? In my day we called that being an alcoholic.’

‘In my day we called that slander,’ he said mildly. ‘She sometimes gets a little overenthusiastic but she doesn’t have a problem.’

Selina ran her thumb around the edge of her glass. ‘You know a lot of guys wouldn’t defend their ex, just on general principles.’

‘But it’s not true,’ Kent said.

‘Fuck true. I wouldn’t defend Andrew if someone claimed that he was Jack the Ripper.’

He moved to the refrigerator. ‘Not just “guys” that wouldn’t defend their exes, then.’

Selina groaned. ‘It’s not a gender thing. I’m just saying, it’s unusual. Makes me wonder if you’re just above it all or if you’re not over her.’

‘Wrong conclusion,’ Kent said. ‘If I was still angry, if I was still bitter, that would mean I’m not over her.’ He took a tub of seafood out and put it on the counter. ‘I’m fond of Sue. I hope at some point in the future she will be willing to be my friend.’

Selina snorted. ‘I don’t want any of my exes to be my friend.’

‘Friends last longer than lovers.’ Kent said quietly. ‘They’re more reliable and more honest.’

Selina moved a little closer. ‘But it’s not the same.’

‘No, but different doesn’t have to worse.’

Selina looked down as Lorenz rubbed against her legs, meowing. ‘What’s his problem?’

‘He can smell the fish,’ Kent said. ‘They’re both...’ He stopped abruptly, and squeezed his eyes shut.

Selina put her hand on his forearm. ‘You wanna sit down and let me do this?’

He laughed, and shook his head. ‘You’re going to cook, ma’am?’

‘I can cook!’ she protested. ‘I mean, I’m sure I can put some food in a wok and cook it.’

Kent dried his eyes. ‘I think we both know that’s probably not the best plan.’ He opened a cupboard. ‘I’ll cook. It’s not a problem.’

‘I used to watch chef cook,’ Selina said. ‘When I was little.’

‘I used to help my father,’ Kent said.

‘Not your mom?’

He shook his head. ‘She didn’t have a great deal of patience, particularly when she’d been working. My dad had more fortitude.’ He gave Selina a look, a tiny hint of amusement in his eyes. ‘Small children can be... trying.’

Selina poked his bicep. ‘You calling me annoying?’

He shrugged. ‘Was your chef allowed to tell you to leave?’

‘Hey, I was an absolute angel, I’ll have you know,’ Selina said. ‘Chef was always very sweet to me.’

Kent turned on the stove. ‘You spend a lot of time with the staff?’

Selina nodded. ‘My parents were real busy.’ She didn’t like the sympathy in his expression. ‘Your mom was grumpy, huh? Mine was... she didn’t much like kids.’

The food in the pan was beginning to sizzle.

‘I’ve never much understood why everyone assumes that parenting is an inbuilt skill like breathing or sleeping,’ Kent said. ‘I wish more people would accept that they don’t have the temperament for it.’

Selina thought about changing the subject. There was a tone in his voice, a tightness, that warned of... something.

‘You ever think about having kids?’ Selina asked. ‘Shit, do you have kids?’

He shook his head. ‘No, no kids,’ he said.

‘Bad question?’

Kent took the pan off the heat and put at the plates. ‘A complicated question,’ he said. ‘A complicated answer. I would like to have had a family, however things didn’t work out that way.’

Selina nodded. ‘I would’ve liked to have not a family.’

‘You don’t mean that.’

She scowled at him. ‘Don’t tell me what I mean.’

He leaned against the cupboard. ‘I’m sorry. Obviously, you mean it. You don’t care about Catherine at all. You don’t worry about her health, you haven’t spent a fortune on her education, and you certainly don’t regret how difficult you find it to connect with her emotionally.’

Selina felt the heat rising to her face. ‘Nope.’

‘I’ve offended you. Apologies.’

‘Where did all that come from?’ she asked icily.

He shrugged. ‘Observation.’ He touched her hand. ‘My mother and I have a kind of ceasefire. She never understood me and I fear I never appreciated her.’

‘Gimmie a break,’ Selina muttered. ‘Everyone knows you’re a mommy’s boy.’

‘I love my mother,’ he said. ‘That’s a huge thing, but that’s not all it is. It doesn’t mean I truly appreciate the sacrifices she made, understand her bitterness, or excuse her disappointment. It doesn’t even mean I like her.’ He picked up his plate and moved towards the table.

‘Your mom was disappointed in you?’ Selina asked, doing the same.

‘All my life,’ he said, sitting.

‘Me too! God, our moms suck!’

He laughed a bit at that. ‘Apparently so.’

Selina watched him silently for a few minutes as they both ate.

’How about your dad?’ she asked eventually.

Kent shrugged. ‘He died when I was younger.’

‘I was twelve,’ Selina said. ‘When my dad died.’

Kent nodded. ‘I was nine.’

‘Fuck. Heart attack?’

He shook his head. ‘Diabetes. He had severe hypoglycaemia. Slipped into a coma and died.’

Selina shuddered. ‘Did you see him?’

Kent shook his head. ‘I was at school. It was all over before we came home.’

Selina touched the back of his hand. It was sympathetic. It was supposed to be sympathetic. But he looked at her with a thoughtful, curious expression that made her very aware of how near he was, the faint scent of his skin, and the curve of his lips.

Selina licked her lips, and looked away. She tried the stir fry.

‘This is good,’ she muttered.

‘I do a few things very well, a few things well, and a lot of things passably well,’ Kent said. ‘We didn’t have a chef,’ he said wryly. ‘Between growing up and college I picked up a lot of experience.’

‘Smart ass,’ Selina said. ‘I went to college.’

‘Did you take a chef or just a housekeeper?’

Selina rolled her eyes. ‘When did this turn in to you teasing me?’

Kent tapped his fork with his thumb. ‘Apologies.’

‘Didn’t say I didn’t like it.’

There was a crash from another room. The sound of things aiding and falling. A series of thuds, and a weird scrabbling.

‘Jesus!’ Selina was on her feet.

‘Cat,’ Kent said.

She looked at him. He shrugged.

After a moment, Lorenz sauntered into the room. His left flank was glistening.

‘Is he bleeding?’ Selina asked.

Kent ran his hand along the wet fur, and sniffed it. ‘Fell in the toilet.’ He got up to wash his hands.

‘Fell in the toilet?’ Selina asked, sniggering. ‘How? Why?’

‘Evidently, you’ve never had a cat,’ Kent said dryly. ‘Knocking things over and casually destroying things is perfectly normal. A cat is a source or chaos.’ He used a towel to dry the cat off. ‘You do everything you can to make a place safe and secure, but they will always destroy something. Resistance is useless.’

‘Sounds like having a kid,’ Selina said.

‘I hope Catherine isn’t in the habit of falling in the toilet,’ Kent said lightly.

‘Only because she doesn’t fit!’ She leaned back in her chair. ‘She used to fall off things a lot. Beds, chairs, stages.’

Kent returned to his food. ‘How does one fall out of a chair?’

‘By being Catherine. She’s got the poise of a startled jelly fish.’

Kent looked like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to smile or frown. ‘She’s at an awkward stage.’

‘Yeah, since she was born.’

Kent ran his thumb around the lip of his glass. ‘Fibonacci fell into the mop bucket a dozen times when she was a kitten. She’s obsessed with it. When I’ve been cleaning up she’ll sneak up and peek inside. I don’t know what she expects to be in there. One day I’m going to put a toy duck in and see what she does.’

She saw him realise what he was saying, and the animation drain from his features.

‘You should put up a picture,’ she said. ‘A nice one. when my daddy died, my mom took down all the pictures. I think she only had a funeral for the look of it.’

Kent pushed his plate away, he’d eaten perhaps half his food. ‘I like that idea,’ he said. ‘Putting one up I mean.’

‘Can I tell you a secret?’ Selina asked.

‘Please do,’ he said, leaning forward.

‘My mom wanted my dad stuffed! She wanted to put him on display.’

His eyes widened almost comically. ‘Dear Lord!’

‘Thank fuck they didn’t,’ Selina said. ‘Have you ever seen a taxidermy animal?’

Kent winced. ‘I suppose in theory someone, somewhere must be proficient at it.’ He shook his head. ‘Grief can make people irrational. Perhaps your mother found it difficult to cope with.’

Selina sniffed.’ Yeah, maybe.’

‘My father was cremated,’ Kent said. ‘We scattered his ashes on a lake.’

‘That’s nice,’ Selina said. ‘Are you... I mean... Fibonacci...’

‘Cremated,’ Kent said. ‘They put the ashes in a special memorial.’ His voice started to shake. ‘It could have been a tube, to scatter, but I wanted to bring my little girl home again.’

Selina squeezed his hand. ‘She must’ve been very happy,’ she said. ‘You obviously loved her deeply.’

Kent sighed. ‘You must think me ridiculous.’

‘When my horse Peanut died I cried for weeks,’ Selina said. ‘You think that’s ridiculous?’

He shook his head.

‘I didn’t cry that much when I miscarried,’ Selina said. ‘But that pregnancy was another accident and I hadn’t got used to the idea but...’

‘Another accident?’

Selina shrugged. ‘Never wanted kids. Never planned kids. You play the hand you’re dealt, right?’

Kent played with his glass. ‘I can’t have them.’

‘Medical thing?

A nod.

‘Eh, they’re overrated.’ Selina said lightly.

He chuckled. ‘I believe you’re saying that to make me feel better, Ma’am.’

She tasted her food. ‘You never call me Selina. Not even when we were campaigning for Hughes.’

‘You were never my equal.’

Selina scowled. ‘You mean you were never my equal.’

His expression didn’t change, but there was a teasing tone in his voice. ‘Isn’t that what I said?’

She propped her chin in her hand. ‘I don’t get you.’

‘I don’t get you other.’

Selina licked her lips.’ But that’s okay.’

He nodded.

‘You never killed any dogs, right?’

He went pale. ‘I’ve never deliberately killed anything.’

‘Deliberately?’

‘I’ve stood on things on accident,’ he admitted. ‘A slug once. That was particularly horrible.’

Selina shuddered in sympathy.

‘Who killed a dog?’ Kent asked.

‘I shouldn’t say. I promised. We shared our worst secrets,’ she said.

Kent nodded. ‘Ah. Was it Dan?’

Selina rolled her eyes. ‘I said I couldn’t tell you.’

‘Thought so.’

‘Shut up.’ She gently kicked his ankle. ‘What’s the worst thing you ever did?’

‘By what metric?’

Selina stood up, got the bottle of wine, and poured them both a glass. ‘I was gonna say what would get you into the most trouble for doing. But what are you most ashamed of? That’s a better question.’

Kent thought about it for a few seconds. ‘I wished my mother would die. She had a stroke. She was on a ventilator. All these tubes and machines. It went on for months. I went to visit four times a week.’ He looked at his hands. ‘I was exhausted. I just wanted it over.’

‘I fantasied about hurting Catherine,’ Selina said very quietly. ‘I didn’t. I wouldn’t. She wouldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t think straight. I needed the noise to stop and for a second, just a second...’

Kent took her hand in his.

‘I wouldn’t have done it,’ she said, looking at him.

‘I know,’ he said without hesitation.

‘Does it make me a terrible person?’ she asked.

‘Not at all,’ he promised.

Selina nodded. ‘You’re not terrible either. I wish my mom would die every single time she has an “episode.” I mean it.’

Kent chuckled. ‘She does appear to have an ardent desire to live,’ he said wryly.

‘Your mom recovered?’

He nodded. ‘She’s very spry.’ He played with his glass. ‘Would you like something else? I have some cheesecake or fruit.’

‘You hardly touched your food.’

He shrugged. ‘I’m not very hungry.’

‘I should probably go,’ Selina said.

His shoulders slumped. ‘Of course. It’s late. That was –’

‘Unless you’re asking me to stay,’ Selina said.

He gave her the look again, the thoughtful look. This time tinged with uncertainty and anxiety. ‘I’d like that,’ he said gently.

‘Good.’ Selina leaned forward and kissed him.

The End.

 


End file.
